A Fatherless Generation

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“I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.” JN 14:18

From the time of Adam, we have all been born with orphan tendencies. Even those who are blessed to have been brought up in healthy families, there are wounds and bents which are simply an inescapably part of the human condition. While this does not condemn us to failure, it does highlight the need for grace and to personally experience the unconditional embrace and acceptance of our Heavenly Father. Another way to think about this is that if Jesus needed to have the affirmation of the Father’s voice saying to him, “This is my beloved son, with whom I am so very pleased” (MT 3:17), how about me?

And yet there has never been a generation more fatherless than the one in which we are living. Sure, wars and plagues and calamities have greatly affected generations of the past, leaving many children without the love and support of one or both of their parents. And yet in our generation fathers are actually choosing to abandon their children. With children being born out of wedlock and divorce rates at all time highs, children have increasingly become victims in this narcistic and promiscuous generation. Add to this ideologies and governments whose extreme views are anywhere from anti-family to murderous, and we have a continuing recipe for disaster. Consider that ISIS shot or beheaded 74 children and broadcast their atrocity worldwide through the internet to send a warning that children who secretly break their fast on Ramadan should be dealt with severely. Indeed, more than 72% of Americans believe that fatherlessness is the most significant family or social problem facing America. The fallout from fatherlessness is both well documented and frightening. God have mercy.

While every child born has a biological father, fewer and fewer children born into the world will ever know what it is like to truly have a father. The effect of this upon society today can be compared to an earthquake which takes place far from our shores in the middle of a vast ocean. Though we feel it, no walls come crashing down, and no gaping cracks open in the ground. We may even think, “that wasn’t so bad. Because of the delay, we continue to live our lives as though nothing happened. Then just when we least expect it, we look up and a tsunami 100 feet high is speeding towards the shores of our communities from which there is no opportunity to flee or hope of defense. We look for trees to cling to in a desperate search for something which will not be moved.

So when Jesus said he was not going to leave us as orphans, this was good news then, and great news now as well. Though it is beyond the scope of this article to detail the affects of an orphaned heart, here are a few of the characteristics which are indicators of this malady:
–A sense of abandonment
–Isolation/Loneliness
—Insecurity & Fear
—Alienation
—Rejection

It often leads to addictive behavior and hostile and violent tendencies. One’s relationships are also deeply affected and are defined by the following:
—Comparison
—Jealousy & Strife
—Need to perform
—Distance (no intimacy)
—Entitlement (lack of appreciation)
—Control

When Malachi prophesied that fathers hearts would be turned back to their children, and children’s hearts to their fathers in the last days, he was indicating a time when this gap would literally be a defining feature of that hour. It describes our day definitively. In other words, he was prophesying that there would come a day when orphaned hearts would be healed, as it states a few verses earlier:

“the Sun of righteousness [shall] arise with healing in His wings; and you shall go out like stall-fed calves.” Mal 4:2

The Old Testament referred to God as “Father” about 15 times. The gospel of John records Jesus referring to “Father” God 100 times! It is clear that He wanted us to get to know Him! In fact, it has been well said that this is the MAIN PURPOSE for which he came and dwelt among us. No wonder Philip said:

“Lord, show us the Father, and it will be enough for us!” JN 14:8

I am sure that Philip did not understand the depth and weight of these words when he spoke them! May you get a richer and clearer revelation of the Father today! May you near His words being spoken over you, “this is my beloved son!” May we hear Him say, “Do not fear, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the Kingdom” (LK 12:32). He has provided for our fatherless generation! He was not about to leave his disciples orphaned; he’s also not going to leave us that way either! He will come to us, as He promised.

Bill Johnson recently said: “We have the responsibility to reveal the Father to an orphaned planet.” This is so true! May it start with us, and then begin to flow and impact all of those around us…to the ends of the earth. The promise to Abraham was that all of the families of the earth would be blessed. Let it be me. Let it be now. Amen.

God of the Impossible

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“For nothing shall be impossible with God.” LK 1:37

Our God is the God of the impossible. Did you ever notice how sometimes He will take you to a complete end of yourself, and then answer your prayer? Have you noticed that He loves to work through weakness, and difficulties, or against the odds? As we enter the Christmas season, these words to soon-to-be mother Mary are a powerful reminder to us that He who overshadowed her to do the impossible then is also ready and waiting to overshadow you and me to do the miraculous today.

We have to admit that it is easier to believe that God can do the miraculous for someone else than it is for Him to do it for me. We can even sound quite spiritual in our unbelief.

  •  “Well, the reason God works in such a powerful way in Africa is because the people there are so poor.”
  • “Of course he is seeing these awesome displays of God’s power, he is a last days Apostle!”
  • “That was then, this is now. God is moving in a new and different way these days.”
  • “The Holy Spirit was doing some mighty works in China during those years because they did not have any Bibles! Now they have the word and don’t need the miraculous any more.”
  • “Those people are being persecuted; that’s why God is showing them His power in these supernatural ways.”

POSTURE

Do you suppose Mary might have been able to come up with some really good reasons why God could not do the impossible for her? Wasn’t that the period known as the “silent years” when no prophet had been sent to Israel for hundreds of years? She was, afterall, a woman, no, a girl, in a world dominated by men as spiritual leaders. She wasn’t from a famous family; she did not have a special pedigree. Say nothing of the content of the message that was being shared with her! A virgin…having a baby…without any relations with a man…but by and through God Himself?!
Instead, she answered exactly the way anyone who wishes to see the supernatural should: “Let it be to me according to your word” (LK 1:38). If we want to witness God do the impossible, it is best to get out of the way as much as possible! Our hearts should be ready to say “Let it be…” just like Mary did. This is the kind of heart through whom God moves in supernatural ways. We must be fully yielded.

PURSUIT

Notice too that God raised up a witness of the supernatural to make it easier for Mary to believe:

“Even Elizabeth your relative is going to have a child in her old age, and she who was said to be barren is in her sixth month” (v. 1:36).

This clearly was not a coincidence. Of all the people that could have been the mother of John the Baptist, God saw to it that it was Mary’s close relative. When Mary was a little girl, she certainly would have know that Elizabeth was barren. Was she cursed? Why would God have cast Elizabeth aside? Did she and Uncle Zechariah have some hidden sin? This Elizabeth, pregnant?! She’s older than my mother! This is nothing short of a miracle!!!

That is exactly the point. In order to give Mary confidence that God would do as Gabriel had said, He first raised up a clear, undeniable, supernatural example in Elizabeth. He was making it easier for her to believe. Now isn’t that cool?! That God would care so much about my unbelief that He would make it easier for me to believe?! At this point Mary made a very wise decision. She thought: “If Elizabeth has experienced such a miracle, I am going to get around Elizabeth!” If there was anyone who was going to appreciate the cost of being shamed, Elizabeth with her scarlet letter of barrenness could. “So, Aunt Liz, what has it been like for you to have the God of the universe do the impossible on your otherwise ‘dead’ body?”

She did not have to wait long for the answers she was looking for. Mary had only just walked into the door of Elizabeth’s home and amazing things began to happen. The baby suddenly leapt in her womb. Elizabeth was suddenly filled with the Holy Spirit, and began to prophesy over Mary about the baby that was in her womb. What? Elizabeth even called the babe “my Lord”.

CONCLUSION

I believe God wants to release the miraculous in our day like never before. As it was in the days before Jesus came the first time, so shall it be and more so in the days before He returns.

“And it shall come to pass, in the last days says God, that I will pour out My Spirit on all flesh. And your sons and your daughters will prophesy, your young men shall see visions, your old men will dream dreams” Acts 2:17.

Let’s learn from the mother of our Lord to know how we can see the God of the impossible do far exceedingly more than we could ask or think. Simply, there are two things which we can learn from her. Let’s adjust our hearts to just receive without question, and without trying to figure it all out. I call this POSTURE. And then let’s go and find the Elizabeths that God has raised up as our forerunners. People are experiencing the God of power. If I need to get warm, I get close to the fire. Mary “hurried to a town in the mountains” (LK 1:39) to find her once barren relative who had experienced the God of impossible for herself. I call this PURSUIT.

Stories

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“There have been great societies that did not use the wheel,
but there have been no societies that did not tell stories.”
—Ursula K. LeGuin

For thousands of years, history, important lessons, commonly held beliefs, explanations of mystery and things beyond us, have all been passed down from one generation to another via one very important means: stories. Whether it was the tales told around campfires, or the annual renditions of events which had transformed peoples and places, stories are one of the oldest and most effective ways of communicating our values, our feelings, and our memories. Truth be told, no one can resist a good story!

That’s why I have made it a practice over the years to tell stories to my children. Sometimes we do it around the dinner table; sometimes before bed. Sometimes stories are told during our long “road trips”. Sometimes we tell them with pictures; sometimes a book or a movie serves as a catalyst to make critical lessons or things of interest to become personal. We have often had amazing people from around the world in our home. I take every opportunity to ask them to share their stories with us. Some stories are about things that happened to me, or our family from earlier years. Some of them are of things which took place in ancient times…things which should never be forgotten. Some serve to inspire; some to warn. Some have a moral; some just make you laugh. Information and facts may touch a mind; but stories touch the heart.

C.S. Lewis is one of the greatest theologians of the past one hundred years. And although he wrote great books which explain the path to belief or answer the questions of doubt, he is most famous for the stories he wrote which present these same arguments in timeless allegories which tickle the conscious and echo in the memories of young and old alike.

In the same way, your kids might not remember much of your moralizing. But they will not likely soon forget lessons you have told them that you are able to capture in story form. If this has not been a part of your parenting arsenal, consider ways to open up stories to your children. You may just find that you will have found a key to their hearts.

Change

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“Those whom I love I rebuke and chasten;
therefore, be zealous and repent.” Rev 3:19

It is not fashionable to repent anymore. It’s too messy, undignified. It’s old school. It’s ashes, and sackcloth. Books about repentance don’t make the best-seller lists. They don’t even get past the first reading at the publisher! Let’s face it, leaders consider that messages about repentance are not going to bring people out to church. They reason that the sheep need something practical, something to make them feel good about themselves, something to assuage all the wounds they get in this cruel world throughout the week. Not bad reasoning…for a psychologist! While it may be popular to talk about WWJD, it certainly is worth considering that the very first words out of His mouth when He began to preach were “Repent!” (Matt 3:2)

Hebrews 6:1 speaks of repentance as an elemental teaching, a part of the foundation of the church’s teachings. And yet, many would remove the foundation altogether! There is a whole stream within the church (call it “hypergrace”) which has abandoned teachings about repentance altogether. According to this popular “grace” message, Jesus already paid it all. Our sins have been completely forgiven. There is nothing left for us to do but to receive. Trust me, there is a part of me that loves the idea of being able to keep right on sinning and not ever have to worry about it! Unfortunately, it is a lie, and if perpetuated, it will lead to death and eternal consequences.

What compels me to write about this subject? First, I want you to be alert, vigilant, and not hoodwinked by this false teaching. It is a growing cancer in the Body of Christ. Second, I want you to take this message and apply it personally. I am asking this question of myself too: have I truly repented of any and every thing which is an offense to my Lord? Was it heartfelt, and thorough, or did I just say a casual “I’m sorry” prayer and move on. Sorry scratches the surface. We say sorry to gain some relief, in hopes that our actions will not be held against us. Through repentance the axe of God is laid to the root, resulting in not a simple covering over but a legal and experiential break from the power of sin. Sorry is volitional, but repentance is transactional. Jesus did not command us to be sorry; he commanded us to repent.

When Jesus confronts the church in Laodicea about their apathy, he says “be zealous and repent”. Zealous (Gr) implies heat, passion, and zest. That is the spirit and mindset which brings about true repentance. If I have zeal, I have the right “stuff” from which repentance is birthed. Without zeal, I only bring words to the altar. Though forgiveness is offered to me on the basis of “my confession”, I have discovered that it is only a matter of time before I have to rebuild this altar, and rework these words, since the power which causes me to sin never moved out and gotten a new address. It just went into the basement to wait for the opportune time to come out and wreak havoc all over again.

Among the marvelous Sermon on the Mount topics is a seldom talked about or understood verse, “Blessed are those who mourn” (MT 5:4). Mourning is one of the deepest and complex emotions we as humans experience. Without going into too much detail, may I suggest that we probably have not really found the key to true, lasting repentance without it. I must feel more than bad; I must feel grief. Like the one who mourns, he may be doing other things for days and weeks following the death of a loved one. But his thoughts will have been invaded by another, deeper reality where memories of the loved one cannot be discarded. For that season, we wear mourning like a cloak. Even when we are laughing, some part of us is still wiping away tears.

Jesus precludes his “harsh words” about repentance to the Laodiceans with the phrase “those whom I love.” The one who will repent with sincerity and conviction first hears these words of welcome and warmth. Since repentance is painful, it is critical to know that it is not the unreasonable demand of a cold taskmaster. It is longed for out of love, out of the anticipation and joy of reconciliation.

Make no mistake about it, for those who find the grace to repent, the benefits are dramatic and immediate. Jesus says of the truly penitent, “I will come and eat with him, and he with me.” I may close the door and cry out in agony and brokenness; but my weeping only lasts for a night. Joy comes in the morning. I rise from the way of divine exchange which a “sinner’s” hall of fame has trod, only to find a door has been opened for me, and a table set, filled with every item my hungry soul has ever longed for. As though this was not enough, I get to have Jesus…richly, personally, and intimately.

I named this article “Change” because few would have read it if I wrote “Repent”. But beloved, let’s be clear. You and I are never really going to change, until we learn to repent. It’s time to proclaim that there are no shortcuts—no painless, feel-good formulas.

So if you will please excuse me, it is time for me to stop writing about it. It’s time to pray.

Old Fashioned Ways

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Old Fashioned Ways

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“Good, old-fashioned ways keep hearts sweet, heads sane, hands busy.”
― Louisa May Alcott

Every generation feels like theirs is better than the one before. Computers are faster, transportation is easier, TV screens are bigger, and athletes keep breaking the records of those who have gone before. But a child who discovers the gems of traditions has stumbled upon an oft hidden treasure. He may discover that playing board games with friends is more satisfying than playing a computer game by himself, or that a thousand “friends” on Facebook are not as precious as one or two good ones with whom he can share his heart and hurts. He might even discover that the things Mom and Dad used to do for entertainment really are a whole lot of fun!

My fascination with yesteryear began with one of my first memories. Our family rented an upstairs apartment from an elderly couple named Charlie and Mamie. I remember occasionally venturing down to their house for a tall glass of milk and some homemade cookies; but the thing that stands out more than anything else was sitting on Charlie’s knee and listening to him tell stories. Charlie was living history! He told tall tales of crossing the Midwest in a covered wagon, and of meeting real live “wild Indians”. So olden days were never wrapped in a dull, drab cloak for me. They were like a coat of many colors. A part of me has always wondered why everyone doesn’t feel the same!

I did not realize it at the time, but I had a well-lit path due to the beacons coming from the elderly people in my life. We frequently spent time with both my paternal and maternal grandparents (who were in fact neighbors and good friends with each other!). Sometimes we stayed with them; sometimes they stayed with us. Looking back, I now realize they resembled lighthouses in another very tangible way: they were totally free. Ships never had to pay for the services of the lighthouse; and no one has to pay a penny for the beams streaming from those in our family who have blazed many a winding trail ahead of us.

We close the doors of the past to our children to their hurt. But if we find ways to open the treasure chests of past generations to them, we will have passed on to them those things which will never rust or rot and shall never be taken from them.

PS. I once rode in the local parade with my grandfather in his black 1940 Buick.  And this Studebaker is the spitting image of my grandmother’s that we used to drive around in!

Encouragement

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One of the best gifts we can give to our children does not come wrapped with a bow on it. This gift is not something which is only given on special occasions. You don’t even have to spend a lot of money on it. And unlike so many other gifts, it will not be put away in a closet once the novelty is worn off. It cannot be broken, get rusty, or grow mold. It needs no batteries. I speak of the gift of encouragement.images

The word encouragement literally means to put courage into, to inspire with courage, and to foster confidence. As parents, simply by virtue of the kind of relationship we have with our children, we have access to the means of building strength into our sons and daughters to face difficulties and challenges. We wield a tool which can make them stand tall when others around them are sitting, an instrument which will stimulate them to overcome fears and opposition, and provide leadership to others around them.

Unfortunately, many of us have never discovered the power of encouragement. We tend to point out our children’s faults, and remind them of their failures. We do not interact with them up front, or mid-stream, but rather only at the conclusion of their efforts and projects, and then our criticism rains down like hail upon their vulnerable spirits. The wise parent recognizes that words of praise and support along the way are like the people who line the streets during a marathon, cheering for the runners and providing them with water throughout the race. Too many of us only wait at the finish line looking at our watches, unaware of the fact that we were needed along the way. When they don’t live up to expectations, or give up along the way, our disappointment reads like a neon sign saying “it’s not worth the effort, you are a failure.”

 

I once heard an Olympic sprinter say that he was shocked when kneeling for the finals of his race the thought which was going through his mind just before takeoff was whether or not his father was watching. Our children need our encouragement. Our encouragement emboldens them to face life’s challenges, big and small. Start today. Let your children know that you are their biggest and best supporter. Your gift will be one that will never break or rust, and will never, ever be forgotten.

Traditions

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The Wealth of Traditions

“A good man leaves an inheritance for his children’s children.” PR 13:22

We live in such a materialistic world that people confuse valuables for what is valuable. The things that I lay up for my children when I am gone are enshrined in a will. But the riches which are matters of the mind and heart can only be passed on while I am alive. These are the things which truly remain.

My penchant for traditions arises from an important discovery: the values upon which healthy families are built are promoted or maintained by most of the older stories, movies, and memories of yesteryear. Since I am singularly committed to establishing the strongest possible foundation for my family, injecting every means at my disposal which lends itself to success, why would I wink at this verdant provision? Why would I subject my children to the unbridled screening of infidelity when I want to breed faithfulness. Why expose them to promiscuity, violence, foul language, or acrid humor when my vision for them is that they might be honorable, peace-loving, and an encouragement to the people who are around them? The media which bombards them every day taps the sensational because it sells. I would rather risk being called old-fashioned and watch a Shirley Temple movie. You may think it will never work, but it has for me. Laurel and Hardy may have been immortalized long ago; but they are still very much alive in our household, at my sons’ and daughters’ behest.

So how does a family draw from the wealth of this “account”? Here are a few suggestions:

· Speak of some of your own positive and beneficial take-aways from the past. This can be personal, or those of your parents, ancestors, nation, etc.

· Allow grandparents or family members from the older generation to mix with your children, and create the context whereby some of the great stories can be passed down.

· Intersperse your movie selections with some of the classics (e.g. Wizard of Oz, Mary Poppins, etc.)

· Do the same with some old TV series. “I Love Lucy” is sure to be a winner!

· Reading a book or series like ‘The Little House on the Prairie” worked very well for us. This or another similar book which chronicles wholesome family values would be a great place to start.

· Visit some awesome museums together. Then spend some time talking about it together. Antique stores are also a rich source for stirring the imaginations of your children.

· Work on some projects together that helps to link them with their past…such as constructing the family tree, or organizing and storing old photographs, or making a scrapbook.

· Organize a family reunion, or take advantage of an existing holiday or festival during which extended family will be present, and plan events which are fun and commemorate some of the ancient treasures which are uniquely a part of your families’ identity.

Love Is A Choice

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Love is a Choice

“Moses…refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter, choosing rather to suffer” Heb 11:24-25

Love involves choices. Hard choices. It involves forgiving when you know someone doesn’t deserve it. It involves giving, even when it hurts. It involves huge commitments of time, resources, and energy. It involves laying aside your security; at times, it requires us to lay down our reputations. Love speaks the hard and unpopular things: bringing correction, issuing warnings, even rebuking. Jesus said, “As many as I love, I rebuke and chasten” (Rev 3:19).

Moses’ choice to identify with and help his people cost him everything. All of history is deeply indebted to Moses not just because he performed great and miraculous deeds, but because he did them from a pure, unadulterated motivation of love.

In the last days, Jesus warned us that our ability to love would be severely tested. Matthew 24:12 says that this happens as a result of an increase of wickedness in the earth that, if we do not guard our hearts diligently, makes us numb to evil. The heart of man is being pushed to the edge. It will either become hard and cold, or it will, by grace, stay hot and soft.

An incident took place in China in 2011 which highlights the depths of apathy to which man has succumbed in our day. A two-year old girl named “Little Yue Yue” wandered out of a store where her mother was shopping and was subsequently run over by two vehicles. As she lay dying on the street, CCV cameras recorded no less that 18 people over the next 7-8 minutes who skirted around her body, ignoring her as she lay there bleeding to death. The rise of ISIS in recent times, with their public beheadings, even burning people alive in cages, has made the barbarous commonplace. We have become desensitized…or have we?

Many have, and more will. But it need not be our destiny. As the time of His appearing nears, we will all be tested in our love. Now, scriptures like “pray for those who persecute you” or “love your enemies”, sound more like catchy religious sayings than they do practical instructions. That is changing. Your love is being tested now in order that it might come forth as gold during the darker times which are coming.

And so it becomes absolutely necessary for Christians to guard our hearts, and make choices for and not against love. Our Sunday school definitions will not work for us when the floodgates of wickedness are opened wide. We need to grasp the height, depth, midst, and breadth of the love of God, and choose the way of love even though everything in us may press us away from such a difficult path.

Understand that Moses was brought up in Pharaoh’s palace, with every comfort, every privilege, and every type of pleasure available at the snap of his fingers. The fact that he ventured out among the Israel slaves was unexplainable, completely out of the ordinary. And yet when he saw how they were oppressed and afflicted (“Moses…looked at their burdens”, v.2:11), he chose to do something about it rather than to retreat back to the comfort of his palace. Ex 2:11 says “Moses…went out to his brethren.” Beloved, once Moses saw them as brethren, not Hebrews, not slaves, not oppressed people, he was positioning himself to take action. We will never do with our hands more than we see with our eyes. In order to love as we are called to love, we are going to need to ask God’s help to open up our eyes.

Once our eyes are open, we still have to made right choices. It is very, very risky, so we have to be prepared. When we see crowds, we see inconvenience. When Jesus saw them, he saw a people harassed and helpless, like sheep without a shepherd. When he saw the sick, or those oppressed by the Devil, something moved at the very core of his being to bring healing and deliverance. The Bible never used the word sympathy as a description of an emotion of our Lord. Compassion feels not only FOR someone, it feels WITH and AS another.

That is why Moses “went out the second day” (Ex 2:13). He was no longer controlled by “wisdom”. It no longer mattered what others might say or do. The thought was no longer “what about tomorrow?” If Jesus had chosen to go into town to get some food after the long journey, or even to quietly rest by the well until they returned, no one would have given it a second thought. But Jesus, despite being “wearied from His journey”, had compassion on this pitiful woman who had one broken relationship after another. Paul later explained why Moses, or Jesus, or Mother Teresa, or Heidi Baker, acted in these radical ways. He wrote: “for the love of Christ compels us” (2 Cor 5:14). One who is under compulsion acts spontaneously and instinctively. There is an inner urge, a push, a lift.

We live in treacherous and shallow times. Friendship are casual to the point of being virtual. Commitments are made and broken willy-nilly. We love a sport’s team, a certain flavor of ice cream, and we love our mother and our spouse. If we look around us for a definition of love, we see a boat without a sail, a rudder, or an anchor. People are confused, and in that state of mind, in the face of unprecedented evil, Christians are being challenged to a higher place. Our hearts are being tested. Will we be made bitter, or better as evil increases? Will we retreat to our palaces as oppression and death abound around us? A standard is being raised throughout the earth for believers to be motivated by compassion, to see people as our brothers and sisters, to stir up the fire of God’s love in our hearts for the lost and the broken.

Excuse the cliches, but love is not sloppy agape. It is not passionate kisses, and it is not a dozen roses. Love is much more than a feeling. It sacrifices, it risks. It may involve words, but it must involve actions. The hearts of men will grow cold in our time. Our capacity to love will be stretched to the breaking point, when we will find no other way but to cry out to God for His love to take over and compel us from the inside. Persecutions will increase, and our enemies will begin to come out from among the shadows. Moses refused the label he had been given as the son of Pharaoh’s daughter. He chose the way of love. My love, your love is being tested in this hour. Choose love. Amen.

Combatting Teenage Rebellion

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How do parents keep their children from becoming victims of rebellion during those volatile teenage years? The most important thing to bear in mind is that the seeds of rebellion are sown while they are growing through the formative years leading up to their teens. When children realize that there are consequences for wrong behavior at every stage of growth, for instance, they will be more likely to consider repercussions of their actions when they become teenagers. While there is no formula, here are a few suggestions:

Always communicate unconditional acceptance of your children. Affirm them often, so that when conflicts arise as they mature, they will still move towards you and not away from you.
Be consistent and wise in disciplining your children. Follow through. When you say there will be a punishment, keep your word. Children who experience boundaries as real also come to understand there is wisdom and benefits to them.
Gradually grant them the independence they desire at the age appropriate time. This is a skill. To hold the reins too tight for too long can embitter a child. To hold the reins too loose, and to release them too early can set them up for failure and breed insecurity and mistrust.
Communicate, communicate, communicate. At every stage communication is key. As they mature, communication is paramount. The child who feels like his parents hear and understand him will not wander far down the road of rebellion. Learn to listen.
Have and communicate a plan, then do it.  Achieving the goals of the plan are never automatic. Acceptance is unconditional. Rewards are not. They are a result of well thought up plans and our children’s compliance to their part in the process.
Continue to do things together. Find things that are of interest to your children but which can be enjoyed together. I may do sports with my boys, but I also have regular “DDDs” with my girls (Daddy Daughter Dates).
Help them with the definitions. Since teenagers are seeking definitions, guide them in discovering them. Be careful not to tell them the answers you want to hear. The skillful parents knows that when they discover the answer, this ownership is not easily taken from them. Do not push them to accept your definitions. They will likely push back.

She Looks Like Me!

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“She looks like me!”

Maisha Day 7

This has to be one of the most blissful and extraordinary things that one can experience in life; I have just become a grandparent. Due to the glories of modern technology, we get new pictures every day of our little angel. And with each shot, comes the natural urge to compare. “She has her Aunt Lizzie’s chin”. “Her nose looks more Chinese.” “Her forehead comes from Grandma’s side of the family.” “She looks most like you, Grandpa.” Ah, now you’re talking!

There is something comforting, even energizing, in knowing that our children, or our grandchildren, take after us. When anyone gets within striking distances of me these days, I have the photos ready for viewing. I even want to tell strangers. Immediately a warm smile graces their faces as well. How can anyone resist the sweetness and innocence of a newborn?

As babies grow into toddlers, and toddlers become younger children, the fascination with lookalike features may die down, but the desire for likeness does not. We see in them a reflection of ourselves. We see characteristics and traits, or behaviors. We want to pass on our values, and our beliefs. In those times when we see our weaknesses and imperfections acted out in them, we are reminded of the grave responsibility we have to be an example, to live the life of one worth following.

As they continue to mature, our hopes and dreams for them take shape. Their personalities and interests surface. Character is formed. They interact with peers and have an ever-widening circle of social networks. In all these things we still look for ourselves in our children. Their achievements become our achievement, their successes, our success, their struggles, our struggle.

Finally, our children develop skills and pursue their studies and careers. As they move on, they move out. Though interaction and intersection are less frequent, we now hear from teachers, or friends, or future spouses, words that have gripped us from those cradle days: “You know she’s a lot like you.”

From those first days in a baby’s life and through the passage of time, I have discovered something; our playful musings about their noses, eyes, and chins as newborns are actually an expression of something wholesome and profound. Something of me has been stamped on the lives of my descendents. That is both a sobering and a thrilling thought…one which I hope will not lead to embarrassment, but to those same proud, grin-filled emotions I enjoy right now as I ponder how my granddaughter “looks like me.”